Doctors Health Medicine

Take Only As Directed

March 16, 2017

Yesterday was the Ides of March, and that can only mean one thing.  It’s time for the annual rundown of what Big Pharma has been up to during this past year.

And the drug companies did not disappoint.  New treatments for everything from dry eye to chronic constipation have emerged.   And once again, while the rest of us were fast asleep, with or without chemical assistance, former Scrabble players with a penchant for high-scoring letters, stayed up all night and created a roster of new, incredibly dumb names.

But it may not matter that no one knows how to pronounce the pill that begins with the letter X and ends in a Q because the battle in Congress continues over what to repeal and what to replace.  So, according to the CBO and OMB, whether it’s the ACA, the AHC, BLT, PB&J, or LSMFT, we won’t be able to afford them anyway.  As someone so astutely observed, “Nobody knew that health care could be so complicated.”

But let’s be optimistic and prepared.  Take the test below and discover how much you know about the latest pharmaceuticals.  Remember, relief is just a swallow away!


  1. A Chinese road sign from the Xii Dynasty
  2. A Chinese doctor
  3. Choice from Column A
  4. I can’t believe I ate the whole thing


  1. A city in Poland
  2. An adjective describing Wilt Chamberlain
  3. A dance that crosses a tango with a waltz
  4. Not tonight dear, I have a headache


  1. To summon Ana, or maybe text her?
  2. The pseudonym of the Russian author Anakovni
  3. Donald Trump’s love child
  4. Call 911


  1. What one uses to clean the ears of a sea bird
  2. Like a U turn, but more complicated. Should be attempted only by professional drivers on a closed course.
  3. The person at bat following P
  4. Just shoot me


  1. A recitation by Hamlet
  2. The last surviving Iqua
  3. A rare solar eclipse whereby the sun falls into the ocean
  4. Is it time for my next pill?


  1. A new flavored caramel candy
  2. A machine that duplicates melos
  3. A popular ski resort in the Swiss Alps
  4. This isn’t helping


  1. Little-known, but extremely smart, sister of Glinda
  2. New toothpaste that produces a glowing smile
  3. Latest super food guaranteed to boost your IQ
  4. My co-pay is what?!?


  1. A medicine invented by Woody Allen
  2. A fine fabric produced by siliq worms
  3. A frivolous letter that follows “p”
  4. I feel feverish


  1. A reality TV show that seeks the authentic Knight of the Roundtable
  2. A kid that cuts medieval weapons class
  3. A one-man play about a gay javelin thrower
  4. I need an ambulance


  1. Feminine version of neudexto
  2. The latest depilatory cream
  3. A naked Hollywood bit player
  4. Why am I still here?

And no list would be complete without Byvalson, Keytruda, Rhofade, and Zinplava.  And no, I am not making these up!

P.S.  In case you have any interest, here’s what these drugs are really for:  Xiidra-dry eye; Taltz-plaque psoriasis; Invokana-blood sugar; Qtern-diabetes; Soliqua-also diabetes; Xermelo-diarrhea; Brilinta-angina; Siliq-plaque psoriasis; Trulance-constipation; Neudexta-pseudo-bulbar affect disorder.

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  • Reply Bruder March 16, 2017 at 1:22 pm

    1.What one uses to clean the ears of a sea bird

    This was an lol for me.

    • Reply Susan Goldfein March 16, 2017 at 3:43 pm

      Only one lol?

      • Reply bruder March 16, 2017 at 5:30 pm

        I was in my office with the door open so I needed to control myself.

  • Reply Rosalie Roth March 16, 2017 at 2:01 pm

    HELP, I have a headache after reading all that, nothing starting with Q or X for that.

    • Reply Susan Goldfein March 16, 2017 at 3:44 pm

      Try Quadvil!

  • Reply Nikki Moss March 16, 2017 at 7:41 pm

    I’m a Scrabble player and Words with Friends so I’m ecstatic about new possibilities. Of course I would lose my turn in Scrabble with these but might stand a chance with WWF. Thank goodness I was in the solitude of my condo… I had quite a few LOLs
    Thank you Susan

    • Reply Susan Goldfein March 16, 2017 at 7:58 pm

      Hey Nikki – Making up names for new pharmaceuticals could be a whole new career, and a whole new outlet for your creative writing. I’m considering it!

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